well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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