I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
