I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
