I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
