Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize