I wish I could teleport
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
