oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
