i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
