He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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