If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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