She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
