Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
