Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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