new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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