Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
