my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
