Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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