She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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