We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
