Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
