I hate all girls vehemently.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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