I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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