Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
