I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
this will be a night to untag.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
