census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
