captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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