3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Vodka?
Forever.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
