I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
