hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I am available for nakedness
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
