I just made out with a guy for $7.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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