my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
