His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize