i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
