Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
