he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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