we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
