So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
