After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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