Someone shit on the floor
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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