I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
