Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize