it hurts more in the daytime
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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