can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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