I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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