I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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