I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I wish there were birth control emojis
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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