There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
