I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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