Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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