I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize