My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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