her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
