I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
