We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
