So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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