in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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